Better Man
by Red4321
Summary: Kagome can't take the toxic relationship any longer and struggles to break out on her own.
1. Waitin', watchin'

Ok so I do enjoy writing but I seem to start things too large and then lose interest quick. One of my favorite authors I read here uses songs to write her stories to. Music is a huge influence to my life and I found writing to become much easier when I know the direction to move in. So I'm using it as a crutch to build up my writing. Eventually I'll revisit the two false starts and figure out what to do with them but for now I'm going to stick to shorter stories. This story has already been completed, so rest assured this one will not leave any cliff hangers!

 ** _"Waitin', watchin' the clock_**

 ** _It's four o'clock"_**

She couldn't help but pace the living room floor wondering why he wasn't home when she woke up. No. That's a lie, she knew exactly why he wasn't there. He was with her…every time he was with her. Frustrated silent tears raced down her cheeks. "Why can't I be enough?" She quietly keened to herself. Twisting her hands together as her heart raced with anger, she stops and heads to the kitchen for a glass of water. Grabbing a cup and filling it from the tap she takes a few slow sips to try to steady her erratic breathing and bring her mind under control. What was it that she hadn't given him that Kikyo could? Why did she let him sneak out to her when it was a slow torture to her own heart. How had she allowed this to continue?

Placing the cup into the sink and bracing herself on the counter, she closed her eyes and attempted tp will her train of thoughts to stop being so irrational.

The idea of calling him kept repeating itself in her head but what would she say if he answered? Texting seemed like a better option, she wouldn't have to worry about if her voice broke and betrayed her emotions. She couldn't let him know that he had gotten to her. But he had. The fear of having a verbal confrontation and revealing more than she intended was dangerous. She couldn't risk voicing why she wanted out and accidentally reveal her insecurities in the heat of the moment. All he had to know was that this was over. Not why it was over, easy enough to explain that it was because he was cheating on her. Yet the deeper issue resided on who he was cheating on her with and the deep marks it left in her psyche.

 _Will Kikyo always be better than me? Is she everyone else's first choice too? Do people only pretend to like me for who I am or are my traits somehow driven by a past I can't control?_

Of course the logical side was at war with the absurdity of those thoughts, it just didn't change the fact that on some level she was still looking for reassurances to those questions.

Briefly considered was the notion to just pack it all in and leave in the dead of night when he snuck out. Giving him the same treatment he so kindly bestowed up on her. No muss no fuss, no messy break up. Cancel her phone number, move towns and start new as her own person and not some shadow creature of a fallen priestess. That was shot down quickly though when she realized they still had the same circle of friends, so running into him was inevitable given enough time. As it were Kagome didn't take herself as someone who ran away from her problems, and this was his fault anyway. If anyone was leaving town it should be him!


	2. Tell him - Take no more

_**Tell him**_

 _ **Take no more**_

 _ **She practices her speech as he opens the door**_

No she wasn't leaving, but she sure as hell wasn't going to stay here. Opting to tell him to his face that they were over instead of quietly fading into the night. She wasn't about to become the coward he was. She would deal with this head on. Make him watch her walk away and know she wasn't coming back.

The internal struggle was real. What he had done was the ultimate betrayal. She was confused because she was more hurt than mad and couldn't understand why she wasn't ready to chase him with a baseball bat in the streets. She did love him but there were never sparks when he touched. She never got excited when he called. Everything was lukewarm and content. Never passionate and intense.

 _Shit. Don't start doubting yourself now girl! Focus, you're pissed. Even if you aren't that mad –we are sticking with furious. Can't allow the pain in right now, can't try and figure out the confusion. Right now we are home alone at 4 fuckin a.m. and we are pissed!_

"This indeed was a fine line, on one hand trying to keep her shit together and in check to keep the self-depreciating demons at bay. On the other hand keeping her anger boosted so she wouldn't lose her nerve when the time came to follow through. Having dealt with his antics for several weeks now, it wasn't hard to gather when he would be slithering through the front door again. Every tick of the second hand on the clock seemed to make her chest pulse with anxious anticipation. The time was now 4:46, any minute he would be coming through the front door, place his keys and wallet in the dish on the table in the foyer and sneak a quick shower in the down stairs bathroom. Slowly anger faded to anticipation which then dissolved into fear and anxiety.

"This is it Kagome, time to take control of your life again. This time you'll tell him, this time you won't let him guilt you into thinking it's nothing and you're overreacting. You were raised to know better than this. Raised to deserve more than this." She'd given herself this pep talk so many times but tonight was different

She dreamt of a love that set her soul on fire, where the twisting feeling in her stomach was from the butterflies that came with the excitement of being with someone who loved her the same way she loved him. Each passing day dream was of a different life. Surrounded by laughing and loving friends. It was up to her to go and make that life for herself. Stop settling for mediocre and grab what she wanted.

The sound of the front door slowly creaking open stops her heart and steals her breath. Feeling the hair raise on the back of her neck, the goosebumps trailing up her arms. The instant wave of nausea and anxiety hit like a tidal wave. She had been preparing herself for a fight, but her body was instinctively ready to take flight. In that moment time stood still and Kagome froze.


	3. She rolls over

_**She rolls over**_

 _ **Pretends to sleep as he looks her over.**_

Soft footsteps made her aware of his approach and she rolled over so her back was to the bedroom door. Each breath painstakingly inhaled and exhaled trying to mimic a sleep breathing pattern. Silently praying to herself that he didn't notice she was awake. She wasn't ready for this, couldn't face him. It should make her angry, jump up and lash out at him and leave him like she had been trying to do. So why was she forcing herself to remain silent. It's too much, just too much and try as she might the tears slipped from her eyes and ran down the side of her nose falling onto a pillow that was all too familiar with this routine.

The footsteps stopped on his side of the bed behind her. She could tell he was just standing there and looking at her. No one said a word, no further movements made for what seemed like hours..

"Kagome" he whispered. He could smell her tears and he knew she knew. He'd known he couldn't keep this charade going on forever. He had been torn with guilt for months over the women he loved not knowing who to really choose, but knowing it would have to all end at some point. He couldn't do this to her anymore. "Kagome I know you're awake."

The sound of a long suppressed sniffle was the only response he received

"I don't know how to choose Kagome. I can't lose you but I can't deny I love Kikyo either. I know how incredibly awful this must be for you.." Thank god! He said something stupid she now had fuel for her fire.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Sitting straight up in bed and turning to him molten chocolate eyes locked with startled golden. "You seriously think you can just imagine how this feels? Tell me Inuyasha, do you have some former version of yourself marching down the streets that I'm running off to go meet behind your back? How can you possibly even imagine how this feels?"

Sitting down on his side of the bed all he could do was hang his head. "Look I'm not the best with words. I know I can't make this right. I know what I did was wrong, I won't ask you to stay, I don't deserve it."

"No you don't. But that's not the real reason you won't ask me to stay is it. Tell the truth Inuyasha!"

At that his ears flattened to his head. He hadn't been sure how this conversation was going to go when he decided to have it, but it was clear now that there was absolutely no way he could have prepared for it. He loved Kagome, deeply.. But this time with Kikyo showed him exactly what was in his heart and he didn't know how to leave Kagome. He wasn't making a choice, it wasn't a conscious decision. He couldn't pick between them. The fact was, his heart beat for Kikyo, but he would die to protect Kagome. He wanted a house with kids and long nights with the woman who he was never able to forget. They had history, when he had no one else – she was his. She had loved him and still loved him and he had never stopped wanting that future with her.

But as circumstances changed and opportunities became available he and Kikyo's lives took separate paths and years later he found himself with Kagome. The woman who so closely resembled his first love. She was everything he had thought he ever wanted. Regrettably even on their best days he couldn't help the nagging feeling that it just wasn't right. Something was missing. No matter how many times he kissed her and told her he loved her; it always felt like a lie. But the thought of losing this woman all over again was too great a pain to face. He had hoped with time his scars would heal and his love would grow to be true. He never anticipated Kikyo moving back to the city where they now lived.

He had been out at the market when he smelled her first. His mind told him it couldn't be her, but that scent had only ever belonged to one person. He dodged through the crowds until the scent was at its peak and then he spotted her – time stopped. She must have felt his presence as he approached. She looked up and in that moment there wasn't anyone else but them. He couldn't stop his heart from hammering in his chest and try as he might he couldn't suppress his grin. She was here, home, in his reach. Then just as quick as this discovery lit up his world, reality swiftly tore it down. What about Kagome?


	4. She lies

_**She lies and says she's in love with him  
Can't find a better man**_

His silence spoke for him.

He couldn't even look her in the eye.

"But I l-love you" she could barely get the words out through her sniffling. Inwardly kicking herself at how desperate she sounded in that moment.

The truth was after her father had left her mother she had been afraid of relationships. She watched her mother waiting for him to come back. She could hear her at night when she thought Kagome and her brother were in bed, crying in her room. Her mother worked so hard to maintain the shrine. They lived off very little and despite working three jobs and relying on Kagome to take care of her little brother, her mother got really sick. By the time she finally realized she needed to go to the hospital it was too late.

Kagome had felt responsible for her mother's death. She had spent days and days begging her mother to go see a doctor, but she would just smile and say she would after work. Finally she agreed to go after she had a chance to rest. Kagome checked in on her later that same night to find her not breathing and cool to the touch. After that, time seemed to slow down and speed up all at once. Vaguely processing the medics wheeling out the body bag, the funeral, the bank reclaiming the shrine, being homeless while the state took in her little brother. The Whole time she suffered she knew all of this wouldn't have happened if her mother hadn't relied on her father. This is what love did, it destroyed people, and she wouldn't let it happen to her. So how the fuck did she get here?

In the end it wasn't that she actually loved him. She had met him when he was in pain and she threw herself into fixing him so she could avoid her own issues. Through time though he had broken down some of her walls and crawled under her skin in a way that at first was comforting. But now, facing the end and having that comfort so close to being ripped away, all she felt was cold and exposed. She may not love him in the way one would a lover but the idea of losing him after he knew everything and had still accepted her…how could she possibly find a better man? No, she didn't love him she loved the security. The knowledge that she wasn't alone in her pain. But now? Now he was healed while she was still very much broken. He got back the one thing he seemed to need the most and it made her feel sick with jealousy that she still carried these scars. Despite having helped him of her own volition, she was even angry that he got to be ok after all she did to help him and somehow she still came out the worse for it.

Taking a moment to think on that – she wondered if she was even mad he cheated or if it was all just because he was ok now and she wasn't.

She felt him sit down behind her and he pulled her to lay on his chest. The tears couldn't stop flowing. The deep urges of wanting to rip away and not be touched were at war with the need to be comforted and the smell of his musk. Safe but not protected, cared for but not loved – all she could do was lay there with him and cry. It was in that moment they both knew it was over. They stayed silent that way the rest of the night dozing off into troubled dreams.


	5. She dreams in color

_**She dreams in color, she dreams in red  
Can't find a better man**_

Kagome was walking in the woods when she came upon a well that seemed to be built in an odd place. Far from any neighboring homes and with no water when she looked down into it, she couldn't tell what its purpose was. She had been walking for some time lost, but the forest was comforting. She met no one as she wandered aimlessly but the solitude combined with the fresh air and natural sounds of the forest soothed her soul. Choosing to take a rest on the wells edge she couldn't even remember how she got lost in the first place, and oddly wasn't worried if she never found her way out. Leaning back a little and closing her eyes she raised her face to the sun and felt it kiss her skin, a gentle breeze blew through her hair and she sighed in contentment. This place felt so familiar and it filled her heart with happiness being there.

Upon reopening her eyes something red in the trees caught her attention. Confused as to what that could be she decided to get up and walk closer. Soon she was able to see that it was a woman sitting in the tree in miko attire – none other than the woman who caused her such pain and she wasn't alone. There in the tree she witnessed the couple kissing and seemingly unaware of her presence.

Shocked into a stupor all Kagome could do was just stare and stay rooted to the spot. Slowly their kiss ended and Kikyo looked down at her reflection who still stood there. "You poor thing, you really can't find a better man, and unfortunately for you he's already chosen me. I was here long before you, I will be here long after you. Tell me Kagome what will you do?"

It was as if Inuyasha was in a trance, he remained looking forward – not even an ear twitch in either woman's direction. "I will leave him. Any man who can't just love one woman, will never be a one woman man and he will wander. I am done competing with you and I don't know why I ever bothered to try."

"You say you will leave him, for someone who claims to love him those actions are quite the contrary. You would just give him up so easily for me, it goes to show you lack the fortitude to keep what's yours and win your battles." Kikyo sneered

"But I am keeping what's mine, my heart. It never belonged to him as I once thought it did. As you said it was easy for me to give him up to you when I realized I didn't love him. I loved the idea of him. He was never intended to be mine." With a turn of her heel and swish of her hair behind her shoulder Kagome left the older priestess in her tree to venture out on a new path to discover a new life.


	6. Talking to herself

_**Talking to herself  
There's no one else who needs to know  
She tells herself  
**_

Waking up the next morning to find herself still leaning on his steadily rising chest, sickness pitted itself in her stomach. Apprehension came crashing down and she knew this was wrong. Her dream had given her clarity and she realized that in her dream she didn't hurt. She felt alive.

 _Well I guess it had to happen sometime._ Taking the necessary precautions to lift herself as quietly from the bed as she could, Kagome snuck down stairs to the living room to think about what options she had. She may be limited in those options, but at least she had one or two to pick from.

Having felt a weight being shifted off of him Inuyasha began to wake up. Eyes feeling sore and heavy he chose to keep them closed a bit longer and attempt to fall back asleep. He wasn't prepared to face the day and all the challenges he knew were lying ahead. Just as he started to slip back under he heard her voice and listened in..

Just down stairs he could tell she was on the phone with someone but he couldn't quite figure out who.

"That doesn't mean he just gets a pass for this though. We may both have led the other on and maybe we should have ended it so much sooner…but he's a coward…no…well yea he _is_ a coward..but so was I, just for an entirely different reason. We let our fears make us selfish and in doing so forced ourselves into the situation we're in now. I can't tell if I should be mad or not anymore. The pain I've been in was caused by lying to myself. Sure he isn't innocent either. The first time he went to her I should have ended it…no…the moment I realized I didn't feel a connection to him, I should have ended it. I've been so angry for so long at some point I have to take responsibility for my own inactions."

"God what am I even going to do now?" This was the true reality. Having accepted the fate of the relationship; now it was about figuring out how to support herself on her own. She and Inuyasha split the rent 4 ways for this 2 bedroom house with Miroku and Sango. She never had the nerve to tell anyone but Sango that she was homeless before this. Miroku was a full time student working as a part time clerk at a nearby convenience store and best friends with Inuyasha. Sango is Mirokus girlfriend and works as an intern at an insurance agency. They had hung out a few times in the past and clicked like sisters right off the bat. So when Sango brought up the idea of all four getting a place together Kagome jumped at the chance. This would be the first place she could afford.

"Ugh this sucks, what am I going to tell Sango? I know shes going to ask me where I'll be moving. Shit. Well Kouga has a pretty large home where he and his pack lives, I know he would let me crash there a while. Ha! He may refuse to let me move out. But the lack of privacy and bathrooms would be a problem…." "Well it beats living in abandoned cars again at least" She laughed.

"Ok so a place to stay has been established what else do I need to figure out…hmm. Ah of course breaking the lease agreement, which technically shouldn't be hard as my name isn't on the lease. But I don't want to screw over Sango and Miroku..."

Having heard enough Inuyasha grumbled his way out of bed and sauntered down stairs. Only he didn't see her on the phone. Kagome still in the pink pajama set that she had been wearing last night, was pacing in circles mumbling to herself. Had he been anyone else he wouldn't have been able to decipher what was being said, but since he wasn't someone else – he caught every word. Tempted to just stand there and see what she came up with he decided against it as the thought of her moving in with Kouga set his blood boiling.

"Hey! You don't have to move out stupid, and you sure as hell can't live with that flea bag. So there, now you don't have to worry about screwing everybody over."

Startled at the sudden interruption to her musings Kagome jumped and whirled around to face the staircase. After realizing he heard her she branded him with a hot glare "How would that ever work out if I stayed here? Kouga may have boundary issues but at least it would be that he couldn't keep his hands off ME and not someone else…and yes that does pose a bit of a problem but one that I am more than capable of handling."

Finishing his descent from the stairs he squares his shoulders in front of her leaning into her stare with his own "No Ka-go-me you ain't going to go off and living with that guy. Especially in a house full of a bunch of other guys. That's not happening. You would be on your own with no one to protect you."

Touched by his concern but annoyed at his controlling tendencies the only way to win this argument would be to state facts. "I was on my own long before you. Again I ask, how it would work for me to stay here and you run to Kikyo every night? Or would you bring her here and parade her around the house? Would you actually try bringing her into our group of friends and have her live with you? You can't move out, you make more money than I do. When I leave you'd have to split the rent three ways and its much easier for you guys to take the pay hike than I can. I barely make enough as it is."

"Those all sound like excuses to me. Yes I do plan on bringing her around when I hang out with MY friends. From the sounds of your own little conversation it doesn't sound like it should be a problem. What was it you said, you never felt a connection anyway?!"

 _Holy shit he knows!_

Stricken with guilt and trying to figure out how this got so turned around Kagome had to let up on her own anger to accomplish what she wanted before destroying everything she had gained since her mom died. These friendships were precious to her, his words were true, but for reasons she hadn't accepted yet – yes, yes it would still bother her to have him bring her around.

With wide eyes and a slack jaw she couldn't formulate a response to what he had just said. She found herself once more in fight or flight mode. Sensing her fear he knew she might try to take off or when her brain came back online she might swing at him.

 _I have to get out of here, I have to figure out what to say before I say anything else at all. How do I salvage this friendship, or has there been too much damage as it is and this is it._ Taking a step back she swiftly walks to the foyer, slips her sandals on and grabs her purse off the hook. Pajamas or no she needed to leave and figure this out.

Catching up and noticing she was about to make a run for it Inuyasha made a grab for her arm "hey you can't just leave like that. We're in the middle of a conversation and it's just getting started."

"Let go."

"No you aint going to Kouga's, especially in your pajamas!"

Turning in his grip to face him fully she leveled him with a death glare "if you value any bone in your body you will remove your hand from me. I need space, I need to think, I don't know what to say to you and I don't want to regret what does get said. So release me, **now**."

"Keh that's not how this works Kagome, this needs to be se…"

He was never given a chance to finish that sentence before her power rose up and burned his hand. It had been so long since she had needed to use her powers, but it was comforting to know that she could still use them when she needed it.

With that she began he brisk walk to anywhere but here.


End file.
